SO much for the good days. here comes the bad ones.

Today, 2 years ago. My daddy, my best friend, my ROCK, MY EVERYTHING was given his death sentence. Diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer. NO CURE, NO SURGERY. Chemo and radiation to buy him some time. AND hope that it doesn't spread anymore that it already has.

Make your final preparations. Say your goodbyes, finish your unfinished business.

How would you like to live, KNOWING that you are going to die very SOON, and there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT..

my heart will never accept that he is gone.

For all my angel babies.

I Will Carry You

by: selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

I will hold you again, someday.

Tammy in Wonderland

Just when I thought that I was getting to be okay.BOOOOOMMMM. I feel like I am in the book Alice in Wonderland. I feel like EVERYTHING is an illusion. I feel like I am falling, falling, falling and quite FAST, mind you. I try to reach out to the things that are important but its like I am really just pushing them AWAY... And no matter what I cant stop this. I cant get it right. I want this to be better. I do. I love my life, I love my LORD, I love my husband, and my son. I love my family. But i feel like i need to slow down and love myself again. because right now, i dont...

Since my daddy passed, i feel like i am not myself. At times, I feel like I am standing outside looking in and I cant get back in. I have alot of lingering emotions from when my daddy died. I *have* accepted it, well part of me has. I am ok that he is better in the arms of the LORD. But i feel some anger that he left me to deal with *all this*and some regret . I feel like i let him down, I feel that there *Had* to be something else that I could have done for him, not necessarily to HEAL him, but maybe to make him happy in his final days or to talk to him more or just to tell him that i loved him or just....... something....

THAT day ( two days before he died) that I told him that he had VERY little time left, i wonder if I shouldnt have left him alone, I felt like he might have wanted to have some time to take all that in, i mean come on, I had just told him that he was dying, that There was no time left Should I have stayed in there and hugged him and cried with him.. He still had it in his head that he was going home. I cant imagine how he felt as i was telling him...... The next day he had alot of visitors, some friends and family.. He was up talking to them and such. THEN
The next morning, it was like he had givin up. He wouldnt respond. And i had to call hospice. He would get antsy and i would go to comfort the best i could... The nurse told us that he was beginning the dying process. It hit me like a mack truck.... This wasnt supposed to happen so damn fast. I watched all day as my daddy slipped farther and father away. What a helpless feeling........ family and friends once again gathered. and at 10:37 pm he went.
I WAS AT WALMART. i had not left his side since he had gotten sick.but i needed a break from everything, so we ran to walmart for some snacks. The one time that i left him, the ONE time that i wasnt there to comfort him and love him, the one time that I SHOULD have been there.
I wasnt...




I truly feel like i let my daddy down. and i dont know how to fix this......

yeah. i havent felt like blogging lately. so RANDOMNESS IS WHAT YOU GET.... :P

kenneth started school and had his 6th birthday.~ good times.

:) alan has been busy working in the hay. which makes it easier on us in the winter time.

I have been trying to find a part time job, of any kind. With no luck .

i havent been reading ANY books not even my BIBLE :( (shame on me)

i am however volunteering at Kenneths school once a week to read to the little monsters, i mean 1st graders!

i hav not been sleeping well. dont know why. just restless.

i have been thinking ALOT about my family lately and my heart is heavy...

maybe i need to stop and smell the flowers, which by the way kenneth has picked alot for me lately ;P i do love that little boy so....

hmmm... maybe some momma / bubba time is what i am missing.....

Layer 3

Layer 3
- oh my gosh, I’m a WHAT?!

Yes that’s right, 13... I am a teenager. Oh crap. I thought that this huge ’thing’ was going to happen, I mean EVERYONE made such a big deal about it. But nah, nothing happened. Same ol’ same ol’. At least that’s what I thought. It seems that 13 was the trigger that set my little brain into motion, toward boys that is.. Hahaha. Oh the things that I put my daddy thru, I had me a fella when I was 13 and he was 19. Yeah my daddy tried to kill him. Almost did. Several times…That’s also when I discovered how easy it was to skip school. My friend was going thru a rough time and I wanted to ‘be there’ for her. So I followed her lead. I went pretty crazy there for about 6 months. I even snuck out of my house…(crazy! I know). Truly, I was trying to be a good friend. She was going to some awful places and was around some HORRIBLE people. I thought that if I tagged along that I could be the voice of reason. Which I guess in some cases I was. I guess the decisions were mine, I knew right form wrong and for a very long time, I didn’t choose the right thing to do…My freshman year of high school was basically wasted….

Sophomore Year was going to be a GOOD year and it REALLY was… I didn’t get into trouble and my grades weren’t terrible. Also, I met me a fella that wasn’t a bad guy. I really think that what I felt for him was puppy love. He was very good to me. Now, we only ‘dated’ for 3 months but he really made happy! AND he lead me to what made that year so wonderful.. ALAN WILSON
You see, I was dating ‘T’ when I met Alan. They were very good friends. I did not like Alan when I first met him, in fact, I kind of despised him. He was like no one I had ever met… ‘T’ and I broke up and I was very upset, I went to town looking for HIM. Not ‘T’, I went looking for Alan…. I knew that if ‘T’ saw me with Alan that he would go nuts..TeeHee. YEP, I was a little naughty….. I found Alan that night and he got in the car with us and he has been mine ever since….

I was 15 when we started ‘dating’….

I knew after the first few hours of being around Alan that I loved him. Seriously… That was the boy that I was gonna be with, no matter what. . AND let me tell you, I fought hard to keep him… Many of my ‘friends’ went away after Alan came along. Some were just plain jealous and the rest were just jerks…Now, he was kinda a butthead for the first year or two. But friends are suppose to stay thru thick and thin…. Right? ? We went thru some crap and even ‘broke up’ once..

For 4 days.. . . .BUT We got back together . It was a bad 4 days, for both of us..A lot of BAD decisions were made in those 4 little days. But to love is to forgive…..





MY Junior and senior year was, (sigh) what it was… lol really nothing tremendous happened. Alan and I kept dating and had a BLAST… He was good to me in ways that I never knew were possible…I loved him so deeply that it hurt to be without him.

I dropped out of high school 2 weeks into my senior year. Yeah, I know what your thinking. That was stupid, but at the time I had no choice. I worked my butt off my junior year to make up the classes that I needed to graduate early and then the first week of school, BOOM. They dropped a bomb on me, I wasn’t gonna get to graduate. I would still have to take a FULL year of classes and summer school to graduate.

Nope, that wasn’t the deal. I tried to work with them but they wouldn’t budge. SO I balked.
I quit, and got my GED (and then got married) =P I showed them! They tried to give me the “your life will be nothing without and education” speech AND to some degree they were alittle, teeny, tiny bit right… ….. They told me the stats on young marriages, So many will end in divorce within the first year and then so many will be divorced by 3 years BLAH, BLAH, BLAH……… Ummmm. 10 years in February.. (jokes on them)

I was 18 and I knew what I wanted
and nothing was going to stop me
from marring ALAN WILSON….

Kenneth and I went outside the other day and I grabbed my camera. I bribed him with video game time and I got some awesome pics! As I was uploading the pics, I was almost in shock. I mean. Gosh, he is growing up and tooooo fast, might I add. He is so handsome and charming and crazy and funny and loveable. I could go on and on but I think I have made my point. =P It amazes me that I had a part of this little creation. He is the best of me and Alan. He came from the love the we have for each other, wow. Just thinking about it, I almost want to cry. He is Smart like his daddy, moody like his momma, compulsive llike his daddy, imaginative like his momma, short tempered like his daddy. I have caught myself lately wondering what HE will be like when he becomes a MAN. I have this picture in my mind of what and WHO he will be. I hope that I do MY JOB and he becomes a man that is honest, loyal, and hardworking, but is also tender, understanding, and passionate. Gosh, I am such a mommy... Do all mommy's do this?! give me some feedback. here is a pic from the other day. ENJOY! i put some more on my facebook and myspace. feel free to stalk me there, lol.

Much needed

We went to visit PAPAW the other day, and I wasn't that sad. It was okay. Maybe I am getting better. Or maybe a recent visit from a dear sister, helped me more than I ever thought it would. thank you, I really needed that. anyway, we took some SAND DOLLARS, and some ARROWHEADS. Those that knew BUD know why we took those..Also, Kenneth asked for a marker and I couldnt figure out why.... oh...that little boy has my heart...

In honor of my Birthday.

So, my birthday was the 21st, I am now 28 years old. Yep been here 28 years. . . Hmmm, lets see me thru the years. I've come a long way Baby.

Enough. . . .

They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them;
but then an entire lifetime to forget them.

A father and daughter were in their last moments together at the airport,
Standing near the security gate, the Father said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'
The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I have ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.' and she departed.

The Father walked over to the window, where a young woman was sitting, and he asked her: Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'
'Yes, I have,' She replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'.

“Well, you see, I am old, and my daughter lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral.'

The woman says 'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. And said 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone... He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.
He turned toward the woman, Smiled and he shared the following :

“I wish you enough sun to keep your life bright no matter how gray it may be.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear larger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you can possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good - byes. “

He then began to cry and simply walked away.


WOW. who would have thought that ENOUGH would actually be.. ENOUGH...
its so simple.....

yep that right!!

~DEATH~
WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT .

A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to

Leave the examination room and said,

'Doctor, I am afraid to die.

Tell me what lies on the other side.'

Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know.'

'You don't know? You're, a Christian man,

And don't know what's on the other side?'

The doctor was holding the handle of the door;

On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,

And as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room

And leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said,

'Did you notice my dog?

He's never been in this room before.

He didn't know what was inside.

He knew nothing except that his master was here,

And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.

I know little of what is on the other side of death,

But I do know one thing...

I know my Master is there and that is enough.'

Wow, My smart little fella..

When my daddy was slipping away, I decided that I didn't want Kenneth to see him that way; so I let him stay at my husbands Aunts until it was over. The day after we buried my daddy, I brought Kenneth home, he looked at papaws room (which was empty) and asked so innocently" is my Papaw dead?" I didnt know how he was going to react. But to my amazement HE was ok with it. I was explaining to him that Papaw went to Heaven(etc) and he says (excitedly)"My Papaw went to Heaven in a BIIIG Balloon!!!"

So, thats how he sees it, which is awesome!!!

We talk about Papaw ALOT... The other day we were cleaning around Papaws grave and I was alittle sad, We talked about Papaws cancer went away when he went to Heaven. He actually made me feel better!!!! When we got home he drew this picture for me. He brought it to me and told me that "it was Papaw with his balloon and now, I could see it anytime I wanted to!"

Oh melt my heart!

Also, My daddy LOVED ELCAMINOs and we were at Walmart the other day and Kenneth say these and HAD to get them for Papaw...

****By the way, I am learning that Kenneth "draws" his feelings. He has been quite an artist since he was about a year old. He draws more than he does anything else...

Six. Days.

Six days until my daddys angelversary. I am at a loss. Some days it seems like he has been gone longer, like when I try to remember his voice, and then there are days that it is so fresh that I can still hear my family singing, "What a day that will be" to my daddy in his final hour. I seem to become more at peace as that day comes closer, but I fear that it may be the calm before the storm. I really try not to dwell, seriously.. I do. But I cant get it out of my heart that MY DADDY is gone. My MIND accepts it, My HEART just doesnt. It's weird. My family has been a true blessing, I got a card today in the mail and it really made me feel loved. They are thinking about Bud and me.... Wow, I guess that I am not the only one grieving..... THEY miss him too. I havent thought about it that way. Selfish much??? They have all the childhood and the grownup memories of Bud, and all I have are 26 years of my daddy. Does that mean that they miss him more? Ummmm. . . . I cant even try to imagine their pain. Man, 26 years. Seems like a "lifetime" but I assure you that it was no where near long enough! I know people that are in their 60's and they have BOTH parents. Doesnt seem fair.....

Enough, enough, enough. before the water works turns on..

UPDATE ON FAMILY:

Kenneth had his tonsils and adenoids taken out and tubes put in his ears 3 weeks ago and is doing well. He is 5 years old and he has had 4 surgeries. POOR FELLA..

He is growing so stinkin fast, he amazes me with his understanding of everything. He learns so fast! He is so dang stubborn that I want to smack him sometimes. But I guess thats ok. He keeps me on my toes... anyway. we went for a drive the other day and went to Lamontville to FlatRock. Kenneth wanted to see the water at Papaws. He is so cool. It was bittersweet...

Here is a pic..

OH. Yes I did....

i got my first tattoo, its a baby footprint and has Kenneths initials. I put the foot print and his name there because I want to remember at all times that my son is walking in my footsteps. Following my lead.. and plus : EVERYWHERE I go, he will be with me.

BUT let me tell you all something : if you have something negative to say: DONT. you really dont want to see my rath.....

roller coaster ride.....

This morning I felt like i was in a funhouse room full of mirrors, trying to find my way out but i couldnt go anywhere. AND i was stuck, staring at myself. blah what is with me??

I went to the cemetary to talk to my daddy, that usually helps but not so much today. I just feel lost. My emotions are all over the place. Ack. I dont like being this way, anyone out there have a cure for the crazies???

Ha, on a lighter note I took some more flowers to him.

must remember not to forget!

Have you ever had one of those days where you forget everything? Yep well, today was mine. Seriously, I made a list of crap to get at the wally world and guess what!? I FORGOT MY LIST. I didnt get half the stuff that I wanted to. I was so ticked.. Anywho...

As some of you know, Kenneth had another surgery yesterday, he had his tonsils, adenoids, and tubes put in his ears. He did remarkably well. AND still is.. He is alittle icky and VERY sensitive.lol Poor guy. He cried because he dropped his pillow. Teehee. I was an awful momma, I had to laugh. He asked me to say a bad word because he dropped it. LOLOLOL. Yeah well, My mind is fried, I am gonna go lay down. maybe i will post more later. who knows... I will probaly forget!!!!!!!!!! here is a pic of my kindergarten graduate! oh did i FORGET to mention that he graduated kindergarten last week? ooopppppssss. lol

“It matters not how a man has died, but how he has lived”
(Samuel Johnson )

I must say that I completely agree.
Sometimes we concentrate so much on death that we forget to live.
My daddy lived an awesome adventure that was his LIFE. He was raised in a time when the world was simple, safe, and centered around the family. He had two hard working, loving, devoted parents that raised him to be the same. He partied in the 60’s and 70’s then grew up with me in the 80’s and 90’s. We kind of raised each other. I think that we both did a pretty good job. We have had some rough patches along the way, but we always came thru it.
He lived a life of charm and mischief. He was always full of life. He is leaving us all with many, many cherished memories. Some of which I think its probably best that we don’t share… I myself, have so many memories and I hope someday that I will be able to share them with Kenneth and maybe even Kenneth’s children. I look back and wish that I had listened more to some of those stories that I had to hear over and over and over. Toward the end of his battle, Bud began telling me some of those stories of him and Jerry Roderick. Boy, did they get into some stuff! He would laugh and laugh, meanwhile I was in complete shock.. I am saddened by the fact that Kenneth will never truly know his Papaw. I do hope that Kenneth has some of his own memories of his Papaw, to cherish. Nothing will take the place of his real memories.
When Bud was diagnosed with Cancer, I prayed. Boy, did I pray. I prayed for strength for him and for healing. I prayed that he wouldn’t be taken away from us or from Kenneth. I prayed that the treatments would work despite what I already knew. I was being selfish, I wanted him to stay with me, here and not leave me.After all, it was always Me and Bud. It wasn’t till after they stopped the treatments and when he got really sick, that I realized all along, I was praying for the wrong things. I had been praying for my behalf, not praying for what needed to happen. So, I started praying that it would be Gods will. I left it in Gods hands. After all, his hands are stronger than ours, right?
It was hard to give up that control, we had always, always taken care of each other. He had always been by my side and now it was my turn to take care of him, and I felt like I had failed at first. I felt like because I couldn’t make him feel better that I had let him down. Even when I knew beyond shadow of a doubt that I was doing and had done everything that I could, it was hard not to feel like a failure.




Now, my daddy has left behind a lifetime of friends and family that will never forget our BUD… I know that he is better now, and that he is free of worry and pain., but it is still very hard to let him go. I have always known that no matter what happened that he would be right there. It has always been Me and Bud, he has ALWAYS been there when I needed him to be. Even when we argued and fussed and threatened to “smack each other” we knew that we loved each other and that we could count on each other. It is hard not to be able to pick up my phone and call him just to hear his voice, and I now have stopped myself from driving by his house. That just seems to be me hurting more and more. I know that one day we will meet again and he will be like he used to be. Happy with No more sickness, No more Cancer!
Bud has gone home and I am patiently waiting to see my daddy again. . .

The Cancer did not take him away, God took him home.
Cancer is mans creation, and man is Gods creation.
Now, tell me.
Who will win this battle…

the above is an excerpt form my journal, no one else has read it until now.