in with the new.

its been a while since i have poured my heart out.

a quick update.
 my last post was a hard one to write, however i can joyfully tell you that the dr's have been proven wrong. i concieved and carried and delivered a beautiful healthy baby girl on july 8, 2011. her name is savannah and she has completed our family...

so thats it for now. but i will be back....someday

crushed....

sorry for spelling errors and such. hard to type and cry...


i had my surgery on march 15. got all my results back today. we already knew that my left tube was blocked from an ectopic pregnancy, Dr said that my right tube was blocked and had a lot of scarred tissue. he was able to unblock it about 30% and he said that he took some of the scarred tissue out.

MAYBE we can get pregnant.... and carry full term....

we discussed all of my options. which really,was devastating to me. we can not afford to do any kind of IUI or IVF. he is leaving it all up to me, if i want to continue trying, then he will go along with it BUT with my PCOS and ONE partially blocked tube, i am not hopeful. he said that he will continue to give me Clomid and such to help me ovulate if i wanted it. but at this point i just do not know...

i asked him if i decided that i didnt want to try anymore what were my options for controlling the craziness that comes along with the PCOS. he explained it all to me, that is not what i wanted to hear. what he wanted to do was ok, i just didnt want to hear about birth control or all that other crap....

my world seems to have halted in one single moment. i walked out of the Dr office and HAD to go to the grocery store and i honestly felt like i was walking around in a daze...

i simply can not wrap my head around all of this..

Emotions all over the place!

Eight more days until my Daddy’s birthday. It amazes me that I was actually thinking about something to get him. Does that make me crazy? Hahaha- don’t answer that. I cant help but wonder what we have don’t for his birthday. Would we have taken him out to eat? Would I have made him dinner? What kind of wise cracks would he make about the gift that I got him? Hahaha.

Surprisingly, I am not as sad as I had thought that I would be. Course, the big day isn’t here yet. When I went to see him at Christmas, I didn’t cry like I usually did. Its not that its getting easier because I assure you that it isn’t. I still have my horrible crying, screaming fits about losing my daddy. I just think that going to see him calms me gives me some peace.

I have had a lot of RAW emotions lately and I am emotionally drained. If I am not crying over death, My grandmother died around Christmas, I am crying over not being able to get pregnant again.

February will mark our TEN year anniversary.-WOW. AND PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT WE WERE TO YOUNG AND IT WOULD NEVER LAST. we will show them!
We started dating June of 1997. I was ONLY 15, and I knew then that that boy was the one that I was going to marry. I fought hard to keep it that way. We have been through some Excruciating heartbreak, and some WONDEFUL adventures! I cant think of anyone that I would rather experience this life with. I am looking forward to all the years to come with my handsome, charming, loving, devoted, pain in the butt husband.

enjoy

speaks for itself

SO much for the good days. here comes the bad ones.

Today, 2 years ago. My daddy, my best friend, my ROCK, MY EVERYTHING was given his death sentence. Diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer. NO CURE, NO SURGERY. Chemo and radiation to buy him some time. AND hope that it doesn't spread anymore that it already has.

Make your final preparations. Say your goodbyes, finish your unfinished business.

How would you like to live, KNOWING that you are going to die very SOON, and there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT..

my heart will never accept that he is gone.

For all my angel babies.

I Will Carry You

by: selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

I will hold you again, someday.

Tammy in Wonderland

Just when I thought that I was getting to be okay.BOOOOOMMMM. I feel like I am in the book Alice in Wonderland. I feel like EVERYTHING is an illusion. I feel like I am falling, falling, falling and quite FAST, mind you. I try to reach out to the things that are important but its like I am really just pushing them AWAY... And no matter what I cant stop this. I cant get it right. I want this to be better. I do. I love my life, I love my LORD, I love my husband, and my son. I love my family. But i feel like i need to slow down and love myself again. because right now, i dont...

Since my daddy passed, i feel like i am not myself. At times, I feel like I am standing outside looking in and I cant get back in. I have alot of lingering emotions from when my daddy died. I *have* accepted it, well part of me has. I am ok that he is better in the arms of the LORD. But i feel some anger that he left me to deal with *all this*and some regret . I feel like i let him down, I feel that there *Had* to be something else that I could have done for him, not necessarily to HEAL him, but maybe to make him happy in his final days or to talk to him more or just to tell him that i loved him or just....... something....

THAT day ( two days before he died) that I told him that he had VERY little time left, i wonder if I shouldnt have left him alone, I felt like he might have wanted to have some time to take all that in, i mean come on, I had just told him that he was dying, that There was no time left Should I have stayed in there and hugged him and cried with him.. He still had it in his head that he was going home. I cant imagine how he felt as i was telling him...... The next day he had alot of visitors, some friends and family.. He was up talking to them and such. THEN
The next morning, it was like he had givin up. He wouldnt respond. And i had to call hospice. He would get antsy and i would go to comfort the best i could... The nurse told us that he was beginning the dying process. It hit me like a mack truck.... This wasnt supposed to happen so damn fast. I watched all day as my daddy slipped farther and father away. What a helpless feeling........ family and friends once again gathered. and at 10:37 pm he went.
I WAS AT WALMART. i had not left his side since he had gotten sick.but i needed a break from everything, so we ran to walmart for some snacks. The one time that i left him, the ONE time that i wasnt there to comfort him and love him, the one time that I SHOULD have been there.
I wasnt...




I truly feel like i let my daddy down. and i dont know how to fix this......

yeah. i havent felt like blogging lately. so RANDOMNESS IS WHAT YOU GET.... :P

kenneth started school and had his 6th birthday.~ good times.

:) alan has been busy working in the hay. which makes it easier on us in the winter time.

I have been trying to find a part time job, of any kind. With no luck .

i havent been reading ANY books not even my BIBLE :( (shame on me)

i am however volunteering at Kenneths school once a week to read to the little monsters, i mean 1st graders!

i hav not been sleeping well. dont know why. just restless.

i have been thinking ALOT about my family lately and my heart is heavy...

maybe i need to stop and smell the flowers, which by the way kenneth has picked alot for me lately ;P i do love that little boy so....

hmmm... maybe some momma / bubba time is what i am missing.....

Layer 3

Layer 3
- oh my gosh, I’m a WHAT?!

Yes that’s right, 13... I am a teenager. Oh crap. I thought that this huge ’thing’ was going to happen, I mean EVERYONE made such a big deal about it. But nah, nothing happened. Same ol’ same ol’. At least that’s what I thought. It seems that 13 was the trigger that set my little brain into motion, toward boys that is.. Hahaha. Oh the things that I put my daddy thru, I had me a fella when I was 13 and he was 19. Yeah my daddy tried to kill him. Almost did. Several times…That’s also when I discovered how easy it was to skip school. My friend was going thru a rough time and I wanted to ‘be there’ for her. So I followed her lead. I went pretty crazy there for about 6 months. I even snuck out of my house…(crazy! I know). Truly, I was trying to be a good friend. She was going to some awful places and was around some HORRIBLE people. I thought that if I tagged along that I could be the voice of reason. Which I guess in some cases I was. I guess the decisions were mine, I knew right form wrong and for a very long time, I didn’t choose the right thing to do…My freshman year of high school was basically wasted….

Sophomore Year was going to be a GOOD year and it REALLY was… I didn’t get into trouble and my grades weren’t terrible. Also, I met me a fella that wasn’t a bad guy. I really think that what I felt for him was puppy love. He was very good to me. Now, we only ‘dated’ for 3 months but he really made happy! AND he lead me to what made that year so wonderful.. ALAN WILSON
You see, I was dating ‘T’ when I met Alan. They were very good friends. I did not like Alan when I first met him, in fact, I kind of despised him. He was like no one I had ever met… ‘T’ and I broke up and I was very upset, I went to town looking for HIM. Not ‘T’, I went looking for Alan…. I knew that if ‘T’ saw me with Alan that he would go nuts..TeeHee. YEP, I was a little naughty….. I found Alan that night and he got in the car with us and he has been mine ever since….

I was 15 when we started ‘dating’….

I knew after the first few hours of being around Alan that I loved him. Seriously… That was the boy that I was gonna be with, no matter what. . AND let me tell you, I fought hard to keep him… Many of my ‘friends’ went away after Alan came along. Some were just plain jealous and the rest were just jerks…Now, he was kinda a butthead for the first year or two. But friends are suppose to stay thru thick and thin…. Right? ? We went thru some crap and even ‘broke up’ once..

For 4 days.. . . .BUT We got back together . It was a bad 4 days, for both of us..A lot of BAD decisions were made in those 4 little days. But to love is to forgive…..





MY Junior and senior year was, (sigh) what it was… lol really nothing tremendous happened. Alan and I kept dating and had a BLAST… He was good to me in ways that I never knew were possible…I loved him so deeply that it hurt to be without him.

I dropped out of high school 2 weeks into my senior year. Yeah, I know what your thinking. That was stupid, but at the time I had no choice. I worked my butt off my junior year to make up the classes that I needed to graduate early and then the first week of school, BOOM. They dropped a bomb on me, I wasn’t gonna get to graduate. I would still have to take a FULL year of classes and summer school to graduate.

Nope, that wasn’t the deal. I tried to work with them but they wouldn’t budge. SO I balked.
I quit, and got my GED (and then got married) =P I showed them! They tried to give me the “your life will be nothing without and education” speech AND to some degree they were alittle, teeny, tiny bit right… ….. They told me the stats on young marriages, So many will end in divorce within the first year and then so many will be divorced by 3 years BLAH, BLAH, BLAH……… Ummmm. 10 years in February.. (jokes on them)

I was 18 and I knew what I wanted
and nothing was going to stop me
from marring ALAN WILSON….

Kenneth and I went outside the other day and I grabbed my camera. I bribed him with video game time and I got some awesome pics! As I was uploading the pics, I was almost in shock. I mean. Gosh, he is growing up and tooooo fast, might I add. He is so handsome and charming and crazy and funny and loveable. I could go on and on but I think I have made my point. =P It amazes me that I had a part of this little creation. He is the best of me and Alan. He came from the love the we have for each other, wow. Just thinking about it, I almost want to cry. He is Smart like his daddy, moody like his momma, compulsive llike his daddy, imaginative like his momma, short tempered like his daddy. I have caught myself lately wondering what HE will be like when he becomes a MAN. I have this picture in my mind of what and WHO he will be. I hope that I do MY JOB and he becomes a man that is honest, loyal, and hardworking, but is also tender, understanding, and passionate. Gosh, I am such a mommy... Do all mommy's do this?! give me some feedback. here is a pic from the other day. ENJOY! i put some more on my facebook and myspace. feel free to stalk me there, lol.