crushed....

sorry for spelling errors and such. hard to type and cry...


i had my surgery on march 15. got all my results back today. we already knew that my left tube was blocked from an ectopic pregnancy, Dr said that my right tube was blocked and had a lot of scarred tissue. he was able to unblock it about 30% and he said that he took some of the scarred tissue out.

MAYBE we can get pregnant.... and carry full term....

we discussed all of my options. which really,was devastating to me. we can not afford to do any kind of IUI or IVF. he is leaving it all up to me, if i want to continue trying, then he will go along with it BUT with my PCOS and ONE partially blocked tube, i am not hopeful. he said that he will continue to give me Clomid and such to help me ovulate if i wanted it. but at this point i just do not know...

i asked him if i decided that i didnt want to try anymore what were my options for controlling the craziness that comes along with the PCOS. he explained it all to me, that is not what i wanted to hear. what he wanted to do was ok, i just didnt want to hear about birth control or all that other crap....

my world seems to have halted in one single moment. i walked out of the Dr office and HAD to go to the grocery store and i honestly felt like i was walking around in a daze...

i simply can not wrap my head around all of this..

Emotions all over the place!

Eight more days until my Daddy’s birthday. It amazes me that I was actually thinking about something to get him. Does that make me crazy? Hahaha- don’t answer that. I cant help but wonder what we have don’t for his birthday. Would we have taken him out to eat? Would I have made him dinner? What kind of wise cracks would he make about the gift that I got him? Hahaha.

Surprisingly, I am not as sad as I had thought that I would be. Course, the big day isn’t here yet. When I went to see him at Christmas, I didn’t cry like I usually did. Its not that its getting easier because I assure you that it isn’t. I still have my horrible crying, screaming fits about losing my daddy. I just think that going to see him calms me gives me some peace.

I have had a lot of RAW emotions lately and I am emotionally drained. If I am not crying over death, My grandmother died around Christmas, I am crying over not being able to get pregnant again.

February will mark our TEN year anniversary.-WOW. AND PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT WE WERE TO YOUNG AND IT WOULD NEVER LAST. we will show them!
We started dating June of 1997. I was ONLY 15, and I knew then that that boy was the one that I was going to marry. I fought hard to keep it that way. We have been through some Excruciating heartbreak, and some WONDEFUL adventures! I cant think of anyone that I would rather experience this life with. I am looking forward to all the years to come with my handsome, charming, loving, devoted, pain in the butt husband.

enjoy

speaks for itself