Just when I thought that I was getting to be okay.BOOOOOMMMM. I feel like I am in the book Alice in Wonderland. I feel like EVERYTHING is an illusion. I feel like I am falling, falling, falling and quite FAST, mind you. I try to reach out to the things that are important but its like I am really just pushing them AWAY... And no matter what I cant stop this. I cant get it right. I want this to be better. I do. I love my life, I love my LORD, I love my husband, and my son. I love my family. But i feel like i need to slow down and love myself again. because right now, i dont...
Since my daddy passed, i feel like i am not myself. At times, I feel like I am standing outside looking in and I cant get back in. I have alot of lingering emotions from when my daddy died. I *have* accepted it, well part of me has. I am ok that he is better in the arms of the LORD. But i feel some anger that he left me to deal with *all this*and some regret . I feel like i let him down, I feel that there *Had* to be something else that I could have done for him, not
necessarily to HEAL him, but maybe to make him happy in his final days or to talk to him more or just to tell him that i loved him or just....... something....
THAT day ( two days before he died) that I told him that he had VERY little time left, i wonder if I shouldnt have left him alone, I felt like he might have wanted to have some time to take all that in, i mean come on, I had just told him that he was dying, that There was no time left Should I have stayed in there and hugged him and cried with him.. He still had it in his head that he was going home. I cant imagine how he felt as i was telling him...... The next day he had alot of visitors, some friends and family.. He was up talking to them and such. THEN
The next morning, it was like he had givin up. He wouldnt respond. And i had to call hospice. He would get antsy and i would go to comfort the best i could... The nurse told us that he was beginning the dying process. It hit me like a mack truck.... This wasnt supposed to happen so damn fast. I watched all day as my daddy slipped farther and father away. What a helpless feeling........ family and friends once again gathered. and at 10:37 pm he went.
I WAS AT WALMART. i had not left his side since he had gotten sick.but i needed a break from everything, so we ran to walmart for some snacks. The one time that i left him, the ONE time that i wasnt there to comfort him and love him, the one time that I SHOULD have been there.
I wasnt...
I truly feel like i let my daddy down. and i dont know how to fix this......
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